Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
