sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
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