you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
