My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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