no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
