guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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