In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
