While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
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I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
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That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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