I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
