My sheets look like a crime scene.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
