remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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