so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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