It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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