I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
