I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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