Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
