Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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