everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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