oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
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just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
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I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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