Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
