I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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