I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
