My friends, they love my intelligence
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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