Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
