I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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