while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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