Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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