My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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