she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
