Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
