Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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