By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
