Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
