yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
