there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
how does that bad decision feel?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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