i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
