I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
