Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
