I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize