Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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