after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
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You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
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