my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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