When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
