Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My penis needs a shock collar
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
