Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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