Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
