R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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