I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
