oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
