I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
