I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
