I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
