who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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