Im at strip club and am horny
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
