So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
