When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
