God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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